Sober-Selfie….conquering depression

soberselfie

It occurred to me last year that depression is certainly in all aspects, a REAL disease.  I cannot however lie and say it is only manageable; it is curable to be more accurate! I am proof, that you have the power over your dark adversaries at all times it is there within you. Sometimes it just takes you to crash really hard, before you tap into it.  So many times I found myself on my knees ready to pull the trigger via the cork on that bottle of red wine, the cap on a 1/5 of Tito’s, or flick the cap off an ice cold Leinenkugel’s….   Life has so many constraints that try and hold us back, always know you are in control and it is as easy, as believing in yourself, know that you always are in control!

It is never beneficial to anyone to think you are powerless. You are not, own it and you will become it, rise above it and you will extinguish with great defeat the thing that chains you, holds you back.  You got this!!! Mine for a short spell was alcohol it only induced my depressive state and drug me to a very dark, desolate place.  So many times I told myself not today, don’t stop at the corner store and throw down that $20 dollar bill not today!!!  Yet I found myself every day carrying in that brown paper bag to the kitchen table. It was what ever flavor I was feeling at that given moment.  I would justify that I was stressed out and had had a bad day at the office so it was okay I needed it to relax.. Poof!  Just like that I had rationalized a very disruptive crutch to my reality.  It had become so much easier to come home and drink to try and forget then to cope with the stress and all the upheaval in my life.

What I never took into consideration was the ideal or rather the fact that alcohol is a depressant in itself.  It was only enabling me to spiral further into my depression, that cold lonely as hell edge of insanity where your mind can’t seem to shut down. It just filters out all the good, positive thoughts and leaves you among the negative, why me, feeling sorry for yourself, regretting every breath you have ever taken mindset! (Phew that was a mouthful)

I know some of you have been there, trust me I am not the only one.  It is funny how society tries to imprint on us that mental illness is deprived of many and it is not the norm, those of us affected are taught to be ashamed that we are different from the populist around us.  This is NOT true!  It is only that society has dimmed the facts surrounding the profound inaccuracies in diagnosing depression and other neurological disorders.  The mind is a very powerful realm one in which we can easily discard as being the positive thinking tool that it is.  When we are off balance chemically we have to act to restore balance.  For me, it was to medicate with alcohol, huge self mis- diagnoses.  Please do not ever forego an evaluation with a medical professional and or a counselor that can help put a name to (Identify) with certainty what is going on inside you.  There is help and the first step is to ask for it. I am just an ordinary single mom that was struggling through a bitter divorce and gut wrenching custody battle.  Whom made a terrible choice to run from life and escape to a life of alcohol induced temporary fixes,  it never worked! It was all delusional thinking.  I would scale from a 10 to a negative 3 on the” I feel good scale” in a matter of a few hours.  The first drink was a relaxing,  I made it through the day, kinda high. As the night would go on, I would get deeper into the baggage of regrets and feel the need for more numbing with this liquid mind altering taboo habit, after all if I was stumbling from the garden to the house in a drunken stupor, what is the worst that could happen?  Fall on the front stoop up to the house, trip and drop my wine glass? Piss my neighbors off with my loud stereo? So long as I could get in the door and find the couch I was good and it would be okay.

Can you see the HUGE fault in that way of thinking??  Basically I was rationalizing the daily drinking as “I am not harming anyone, so it is okay” Hell no I was harming someone, I was inflicting pain upon myself, deeply every day, every time I raised that glass to my lips.  I was abusing myself!!!!  Maybe it is easier for some than to others to connect to that analogy.. Drinking is self-harm, you are a better person and deserve so much more from your journey.. Believe in yourself, seek help and know you are not alone!  I raised a glass to my lips, containing mimosa on Christmas morning  and I am happy and proud to say that is the last glass containing alcohol that  I have ingested…    I pray every day, that the lord will continue to give me the strength to fight the worldly battles I face and stay by my side encouraging me to be strong.  He is the only one that never leaves my side. If I need him, I close my eyes in prayer and I am there with him.

I had been building anxiety recently over a concert I was going to with a friend.  It was a bar venue, and I was worried about wanting to drink out of habit. My concert-companion is an alcoholic and I was afraid I would follow her lead and drink. I just simply reprogrammed my thought process for the evening.  I made a vow to myself no matter what, there would not be a true, valid reason I would need to tip back a cocktail to enjoy this musical performance. Free will, right!! Well it worked I had one energy drink, then sipped lemon water the rest of the night.  Hence the “Sober-selfie pic” that was actually taken after I drove myself home at 3am.  Sounds dorky, but I am proud of that pic.  In any other circumstance it would have been some drunk, crazy snap chat story sent to people that don’t even matter in my real world. So there ya have it, sober and proud!!!

The lord has blessed me in so many ways these past few months, I just can’t understand the unconditional love he has for me.. His timing is impeccable in everything he has provided for me, I am so grateful I cannot contain my happiness…  I hope someone reading this will reach out and seek help where they feel comfortable, a friend a co-worker?  Know that I will be praying for the eyes that make it to the last sentence, eager to find hope… YES you!!!  I will be praying for you.  God bless stay strong, you are a beautiful person know you are LOVED!!!!

**Please always take the necessary means to keep on track down the road of healing and recovery, if that means a prescription, do as your Doctor advises as long as it feels right in your gut** You can and WILL get better!!  I have not suffered from any depressive bough’s for over 7 months.. Mind over all Matters !!!!  Hugs!  Peace and Love ~

Sacrifice of a Mermaid~

wedding maid

Curiously I sit, observing a pallid young bride, grieving, through a tear stricken face

Silently, our souls begin to chant, an ache in my heart was crying for her.

The salty ocean squalls begin to churn twisting all tides of our emotion,

Celtic church bells begin to ring in the faint distances of surrender.

I get my first glimpse of him, back taunt as he goes

A vast emptiness fills the space, where memories of true love once played.

Devoid of all noise, a space lacking empathy, she intricately begins to tingle in memories.

Transcending through her, I’m suddenly there, trading places, I begin to

Breech the casting swell, she beckons transcendence, I must save her!

I retreat down the ocean steps, weeping profusely, her tears

Entering now the boundaries of their once secret meeting place.

Inundated in memories, the two of them would frolic in the cool blue tides.

Beneath the moonlit sky, they shared in moments, where no one could penetrate the space between them,  for it did not exist, they became uniquely one.

Deceived by her heart’s desire, she dreamt no more of the glass church, or weeding his path of kelp brambles.

She had grown old waiting and could no longer hang onto a tainted mirror of false memories.

In a fell swoop I entered the cool ocean tide, walking, the soft sands beneath my feet.

I  begin to pierce her changing stance, further I waded  thoughts of him began to surmise that beautiful smile he flashed in the dim alley when they first met.

It would be her last memory of this life the grimacing of the tide drew her nearer,

its center now  above her  shivering waist.

Quietly tossing her to a  depth of no return,

the diamond unfurls beneath her paled knuckle,

slowly dropping,

sinking to the ocean floor,

arrest the guiled sands of time it navigates to a salty grave!

A place among pirate souls, succumbing to a peaceful final rest.

The pain in her heart was oblique no more.

Within a mermaid’s last wish, to exchange a tear for her transcending friend.

A drifting of sweet surrender,

to the flowing sea grasses around her waist.

Entangled now  a frailing tear slips from her amber eye,

shackled by her vow of friendship, she grasps to a final fleeting breath…

T

R

A

N

S

C

E

N

D

An exchange of honor, sustained  by the lapping sea……

R*I*P

mermaid-last-breath

Belinda Ann~*~

Nite Notes 2017

My cultural cave, it is my literal home

magical-cave

We are a fundamental race us Homo sapiens, are we not? I’ve found it relative to think outside the theoretical box just for a moment and that moment takes me into a space, that needs occupying off line theory’s testing within a world composed off nothing but keyboard antics. We all need a break from the crazed social media platforms…

If you find yourself locked in the cave with no real ideas dancing upon the walls, try igniting a fire storm deep in your soul and watch it once again begin to flow.  How you ask of me? Can one find the Aristotled moments where pen meets paper, when it’s such a dimly lit place you’ve drawn around yourself. It’s simplicity in all actuality, nearly scare of any real thought patterns. Its mere inspiration that moment that touches you in such an immense pattern your mind retraces it over and over and something different comes of this process each and every time.

When you can be the light allow it, when you need the light allow it. Can you see here how the cave begins to glow again, not knowing where its rooted makes it hard to journey from within it.  The mere concept of meditation, confers with an agreement that we are all rich in a muse of one another, wouldn’t you agree? Once you obtain reasoning to the distain in your realm that you have allowed and abolish it from the cave, the writings start to surface again, making your once happy place a new place to come to, it’s your sacred space, you are in control at all times. Don’t overthink the process of love in this life, let it flow freely. If you follow you will clearly see it forges a cascading water fall which with certain attributes it will resemble your soulful wainings. Enjoy the tide my friends we all know it comes and goes. Sometimes with an adolescent humorous giggle, I find a way to navigate the rush. Yet in all the willingness to escape I chose to stay here, in this safe space I’ve created.  My cultural cave, it is my literal home.

Discover and unleash your inner child!  Timidly comforted in the crevices of the cave, fervently waiting to explore….. Set her freeeee !!!

~*~Belinda Ann~*~

 

 

 

 

Can’t you see..

 

cant-u-seeCan you not see I’m falling in love with you?

It started simply, as friends, in late night conversations

Then holding you while we slept, and waking to your alarm at 5am

Now, I spend my days consumed in thoughts of you

My first thought when my feet hit the floor in the morning, it’s you!

The last remnant of my sanity is always in your arms at night, where I feel safe

So why these frictions then do we readily create?

You protect your heart, with a gentleness I’ve never seen nor explored

Your innocent sweetness, it sustains me!

Can you not see I’m falling in love with you?

 

COL #6

 

Realtors life~

jp mills

Today started a lil somber; 8am weather was threatening my tin shanny again. I prayed for the Lord to keep me safe from hail and tornado’s then went about as usual. Routinely, grabbing a raspberry greek yogurt from the fridge, as the  mornings Columbian coffee aroma teased me. I sat at my wonderfully warn, re-purposed table and began reading today’s scripture. After quiet moments with the Lord, I made my rounds feeding the animals, being sure to brace them for the predicted coming storm. As I left Rocco’s pasture, I felt a need to pull out the writing materials all the unfinished stuff a writer has in her desk. We all do don’t we?  Today I thought I would accomplish a few pen strokes and complete at minimum, a few dark disasters I had started in previous months.  Its frustrating to be on the edge of inspiration then wake and find it gone. These complied beginning’s without ends were littering my desk….  Good Lord so many!  I chose one I really wanted to form into a complete story and began to write, edit, add to, delete, rewrite, I couldn’t get it right.  Something this day was not going to allow for, writing that is.  I stepped away on two occasions to clear my mind and sat back down, waiting, hoping for it to come….  When I realized it was near noon, I wondered where the morning had gone? Had I really sat staring at that screen and notebooks for 4 hours, without completing a single sentence?  Yep, I had!  Sometimes we find when writing in the raw emotion of a moment, its best left without edits.  You can overwork a write, just like an oil painting. Sometimes when you’re done, you look, read and wonder, what the HELL is that?  Crap, that’s what, crinkle it up and move on.

Today I did not have the choice, as I had a 3 O’clock Real Estate listing appointment to prepare for.  I knew I must be in my office by one to research comparables and get a presentation together. Yet I was at the kitchen table in my jammies still, really? Yikes! Okay regroup Belinda, get ur ass dressed and off to the office.  On this day in 88* humidity I choose a simple beige pair of cotton shorts paired with a purple, mid sleeved v-neck top. Scooped up my hair into a clip added a headband, then of course silver hoops and a cow bone necklace to complete my 10 minute “Get ready” attire.  Nope no makeup, that aint my style..  Never understood the women who puts on mascara and blush just for a grocery store run. Ugh! Why?

I grabbed my work computer, phone and file folders then  I’m off in the Chevy, right away I notice she’s running on “E” How dare I forget to fill her up when leaving Grand rapids last night… Dang sometimes I cant stand my own self, who does that?? Amused at my stupidity I begin to drive to town, praying I make it, pulled into the empty Coldwell Banker parking lot..  There to greet me are beautiful Annabelle Hydrangeas in full bloom.  Just that little picture of floral beauty perked up my day…. I’m pretty simple, aye??

This was an easy file, I had my presentation ready within the hr, knowing I had a full hour to spare. I scheduled BPO appointments for the coming week, reviewed the fair schedule for Miss Daisy our stinky lil pig…. Tee hee! Arranged rent collections for Deer Tracks Ranch check ins and……fixed a printer Jam surely created by Sue!!!!   Ugh how I hate that she does that then leaves it for the next agent to repair….  Dang women!!!!!!

Wow I was proud of myself…. From jammies at the kitchen table to bullet point check offs… YES!!!!!  Today was a good day!

I shut down and locked up the office heading now to my appointment on Wagonshutz Rd, Eastern Kalkaska county, near Crawford lake.   Fun thing about this business you’re never sure of the personalities you’ll greet at the door of a potential client.  I pulled in the drive and my phone went off, I knew it was him so I put it in park, killed the ignition and began to reply… Guess I was several minutes in when a weary man began down the drive. Atop his bleached hair was a “Veteran” Ball cap, eager and smiling at me. I waved to him and said I would be right there. “Send”.. off goes the text, leaving my phone in the truck, I get out to greet this courageous man.  We walk around his sprawling property of herb gardens and hardwood trails, as he talks to me about the improvements he’s made.  His wife joins us and points out the massive maples, sharing with me that they made maple syrup from these very trees every spring… I delight in her ramblings of eagerness..  I was sure to mention I had done the very same thing with my kids a few years back at a friend’s sugar shack (Something they were lacking, how do you do it without a shack?)  I guess I wondered out loud…  He began to tell me about the fires and large pots and hours of cooking down.  Seems like anything but a simple process…  The end results in real Maple Syrup, yummy, right?  Well not according to Grace and Elijah they prefer butter flavored Mrs. Butterworths….  Gosh darn kids!

Its time now to go inside and take pictures of their home, they extend a warm invite to the kitchen table and an ice cold glass of tap water.  On a steaming day like today, don’t gotta ask me twice. I quickly sat my files on the oblong oak table and gulped that water right down to the ice cubes.  Ahhh refreshing!  The home tour begins, just a normal 3 bedroom 2 bath manufactured home with a garage and porch.  Nothing extra special that drew me in.  It was within the husband and wife I was immediately drawn.  I was familiar to the peace that surrounded me, these were good folks!  No doubt, my gut told me so!  My favorite part of meeting new clients is the stories they freely share with me, as though they have known me for years, like extended family.  It makes my heart smile to know in my “Real Estate”  life strangers do not exist…  Sometimes it’s a burden; truly I have left appointments in tears… No kidding here, sometimes they unload on me, like they have been in a locked room with no human contact for years!  It’s a trip, but I always enjoy every moment… I can honestly say I have never left one of those appointments without a new listing.   They always love me!  What can I say, I’m good at what I do, NO shame in that all!!!!

As we were finishing up our two hour appointment, the Army veteran pulls out a book he has written and published about his tour of duty. We break into conversations of PTSD, war and friendships.  I can not talk of all the details; it just flowed so easily between the three of us.  Powerful stuff!!  His wife and I ended in tears and an embrace.  Yup!!  A few emotional ladies, torn by the hidden grief’s his book reveals.  So admirable of this man to share his story with what began as a perfect stranger, I’m a Realtor for Lords sake… I sometimes wonder what it is about me that openness just always happens. Got me, I’ve asked the Lord many times and he just leads me to new destinations all the time.  It’s strange how he makes my phone ring with new business when he knows my bank accounts low….  Sense of humor I tell ya!!  Always looking out for me, AMEN!!!

I wanna plug his book here, he’s so proud to have expressed his time in the Army on paper, and I admire him for his service and courage to open up and write about that portion of his life.  His book under a Sir Name is available locally in Northern Michigan at all Horizon books stores and online.  If you get a moment check it out on Amazon and Kindle. “Ordnance Corps”.. ~Without us the pride don’t ride~ No not spelled wrong it’s an Army term!!!!

God bless America and our Troops!!!  Love my job!!!

Sorry its scattered, (true to my life anyway) always scattered!!!!   I hate plans, spontaneities rule my life.  The more then better!!!   I was contemplating a quick write, while munching on my honey peanut butter and banana sandwich but was interrupted more than once by unplanned visitors  (Got a new basketball hoop delivered, woot-woot ) Basically much more to this Real Estate meeting, but too tired to write it all!  Been a long day and I need to prepare for sending Miss Daisy to the fair in the morning…. And put together a to-do list, do laundry, sweep, u get the picture….   Till next time!

#CHEERS

 

 

Goodbye~ luv

edward and bella

My Dearest Edward,

I feel your sweet poison rushing through my tender, aging veins, every beat of mine heart reminds me your still there. Somehow though it seems to be fading, like an immunity has begun to flow through these same delicate veins, subsiding, overstepping, smothering “it” lil by lil cleansing away a separation of red and white cells.. Plasma’s begin to disburse your venomous serum. As I bleakly traverse the property  a succumbing sunrise entranced  me; I imagined a place where two were one, a realm of imagined time. Where souls, “ours” cut the ominous void in distance. Collapsing together upon the soft mossed forest floor, simply laying caressed in conversations, in perception of us only. No one else would understand, at that pause in time, I was suddenly  mystified by what is not, nor will ever be… I started to deliberately walk again, only to find I was home where I began.  Heart still beating, muddy soles, I open the door. Listlessly crossing the threshold,  a solitary tear finds its way to the brazen floor, these hazel eyes have shed your last tear! The door of reality, it closes, leaving you outside. Strangely I somehow feel fine or do I?

Eternal Luv,

Bella

A.T. ~I couldn’t allow what hurt me to influence my decisions anymore, It was too little too late. I had to do what was right now. Edward would never see me shed another tear

~ Eclipse~

Nite Notes 2016

Copyright 2016  by Belinda Mercado no reproduction without prior consent

This Time~

bed

You reach for me

I pull away

You reach for me

I turn to go

You reach for me, again

This time

I sense the sweetest tone of, “please”

I give in

You take my hand

I stride beside you

Falling now, gently into your cozy bed

I collapse into your warm embrace

Knowing it’s gonna be more

This time..

You reach for me

I gave in

Belinda

COL #3

Distance~

road

3.9 miles of pavement between us

I toss and turn not likley to make the drive

So close, yet still so far

I’m here thinking of you

Wishing you were near

Mesmerized in the remembrance of your sweet lips

I urn for more of you

Softley, my head rests on your chest

The rhythm of your subtle heartbeat

Touching my cheek lays me at ease

3.9 miles of pavement between us

Belinda~

COL #2

At ease in the new of you..

camp fire

The further I see into your shy soul

the more I believe, it could be ~You

that hung the Sadalsuud constellation

within my nite sky!

Only downfall is the scars he left in me

Like a burnt up starr hidden in the blister of an exploding atmospheric

24 month deceitful storm

He hid me and these intimate moments from you

his intentions, they were never true

“it” was a direction  my heart, recklessly chose!!

Imperfectly so, while wandering in his pits of despair

I teetered the edge of my true lucidity

In which I discovered what I truly need

His thoughtless moves, led me to you

I’m indebted for weathering his continuous storm

Cuz I found you!!

You’ve become a rainbow of hope, where his agony ends

Among his deceits, I wallowed in relented careless moments

So much I squandered with him, knowing it could have been you

pains me now in scarlet remorse

I cannot change the grieves of days gone by, yet today

I give you the best unrestrained version of me

I sense I’m safe with you, a place I never felt complete with him

Always, I’ll recall those  eyes, curiously gazing

You had me from that amber moonlit campfire

I foolishly left you that May nite

alone

under the stars, wondering

I was afraid !!

Clinging to his memory, yet wanting you

So fearful of my new emotions in replacing him

Driving into the night

Traverersing that dusty road, silently,  I cursed, “NO” not again

I’m not ready Lord, yet he led into your

Striking spiral, shallow of sin

Your a new chapter to my always changing course,  this love, initiates with you

~Thank you~

 

Belinda   Mercado  2016

The chronicles of Linus!

 

 

“It”

it

“It”

It comes and it goes,

so easily I fall in

then in a post

it all falls away

Broken,

he leaves me, time after damn time, cut, and bleeding on his floor,

~Listless~

Raped of all emotion

Shattered, I try to collect the broken heart pieces

Yet all I see are Dark reflections of wasted days gone by

dancin’ round my slightly disturbed mind,

just a wicked ass fantasy

Another notch on his childish,

sick,

crazy ass, score board

within an hour glass of white silty sand

he’s encased me within prisons of his gritty Fender hell

Escaping the grasps of this twisted affair,

has shaken me to the core,

fighting~ just to breathe

Please God, give me the strength to leave this pit of despair!

I scream

this fucking pain

~ it’s real ~

why can’t you see what you do to me,

I’m

becoming

numb

ur so carless with this frailed heart of mine

I freely gave it to u,

no strings

u trapped me within this buspirone cycle of despair

no saving me from myself

I’ve come completely undone

my blood stains your hands

this last time

I cried out to you,

like a lost broken lil gurl

and u deliver the final,,, gut wrenching blow!

u sick ass, narcissist man,

its fucking abuse what you do to women

u continue collecting hearts in your  dark corner of webbed up sniper control

Fuck you!!!

You cannot break my will,

my wings they will reach into the darkness of my sickness

and save me from your death grip

U cannot take the remnants of mine past

I will not let your deceits drown me in sorrow

I’m breaking free,

yet forgiving u for your transgressions of

“Silence”

“It”will only be part of this life’s ashes!

Swept away into this darkness,

I’m gonna let “it” go

u cannot follow me , into this black abyss

I’ll drag my life’s sorrows

like a chain, in its brokenness

through the mud stained glass;

ur misery’s will not define me,

ur view is distorted in this life

~trustless~

u will never get me,

I cannot hold onto u, evermore

as I wished upon that June Mainstee shore,

I need u to forget how I was real for u,

the tiger swallow she failed me too,

in the heavens she did not reach

This wrenched fade to black is mine alone

U cannot accompany me

ur still taunted by overwhelming fear

mine salvation will grace me

returning me to where I belong

a life before you

without yearning for a shallow grave

forget me and this  dam spiral of circus games

ur ticket in my life…….

Its “REVOKED” !!!

U cannot hold onto me with your song

“It” is not real, this sorrow its mine alone

My bed, is hollow of ur dreams

My pillow will suffocate any temptation of u

in the dream of MY life

ur voice is muted

I will…….. Let “It” go

Forward

I will go without ur imperfect “Silence” of nature

U are a muted harmony!

I will soar above this

ur presence will no longer loom,

seekin’ for space in my PTSD storm

It’s the E.N.D

ur place in this puzzled madness

has resolved “its” final piece has been restored

In the cursed edge

U do not fit the mold of

my true soul!

An enraged bleakness,

will fall a shadow on ur heart

u will never forget me or “This”

it’s been in your misstep, and lack of a dance

that u will be mindful of a future without mine

true aquarius heart, abounding full of the oceans true tempo!

My promise, to u, its broken!

Bam

Nite Notes 2016

Copyright 2016  by Belinda Mercado no reproduction without prior consent