It occurred to me last year that depression is certainly in all aspects, a REAL disease. I cannot however lie and say it is only manageable; it is curable to be more accurate! I am proof, that you have the power over your dark adversaries at all times it is there within you. Sometimes it just takes you to crash really hard, before you tap into it. So many times I found myself on my knees ready to pull the trigger via the cork on that bottle of red wine, the cap on a 1/5 of Tito’s, or flick the cap off an ice cold Leinenkugel’s…. Life has so many constraints that try and hold us back, always know you are in control and it is as easy, as believing in yourself, know that you always are in control!
It is never beneficial to anyone to think you are powerless. You are not, own it and you will become it, rise above it and you will extinguish with great defeat the thing that chains you, holds you back. You got this!!! Mine for a short spell was alcohol it only induced my depressive state and drug me to a very dark, desolate place. So many times I told myself not today, don’t stop at the corner store and throw down that $20 dollar bill not today!!! Yet I found myself every day carrying in that brown paper bag to the kitchen table. It was what ever flavor I was feeling at that given moment. I would justify that I was stressed out and had had a bad day at the office so it was okay I needed it to relax.. Poof! Just like that I had rationalized a very disruptive crutch to my reality. It had become so much easier to come home and drink to try and forget then to cope with the stress and all the upheaval in my life.
What I never took into consideration was the ideal or rather the fact that alcohol is a depressant in itself. It was only enabling me to spiral further into my depression, that cold lonely as hell edge of insanity where your mind can’t seem to shut down. It just filters out all the good, positive thoughts and leaves you among the negative, why me, feeling sorry for yourself, regretting every breath you have ever taken mindset! (Phew that was a mouthful)
I know some of you have been there, trust me I am not the only one. It is funny how society tries to imprint on us that mental illness is deprived of many and it is not the norm, those of us affected are taught to be ashamed that we are different from the populist around us. This is NOT true! It is only that society has dimmed the facts surrounding the profound inaccuracies in diagnosing depression and other neurological disorders. The mind is a very powerful realm one in which we can easily discard as being the positive thinking tool that it is. When we are off balance chemically we have to act to restore balance. For me, it was to medicate with alcohol, huge self mis- diagnoses. Please do not ever forego an evaluation with a medical professional and or a counselor that can help put a name to (Identify) with certainty what is going on inside you. There is help and the first step is to ask for it. I am just an ordinary single mom that was struggling through a bitter divorce and gut wrenching custody battle. Whom made a terrible choice to run from life and escape to a life of alcohol induced temporary fixes, it never worked! It was all delusional thinking. I would scale from a 10 to a negative 3 on the” I feel good scale” in a matter of a few hours. The first drink was a relaxing, I made it through the day, kinda high. As the night would go on, I would get deeper into the baggage of regrets and feel the need for more numbing with this liquid mind altering taboo habit, after all if I was stumbling from the garden to the house in a drunken stupor, what is the worst that could happen? Fall on the front stoop up to the house, trip and drop my wine glass? Piss my neighbors off with my loud stereo? So long as I could get in the door and find the couch I was good and it would be okay.
Can you see the HUGE fault in that way of thinking?? Basically I was rationalizing the daily drinking as “I am not harming anyone, so it is okay” Hell no I was harming someone, I was inflicting pain upon myself, deeply every day, every time I raised that glass to my lips. I was abusing myself!!!! Maybe it is easier for some than to others to connect to that analogy.. Drinking is self-harm, you are a better person and deserve so much more from your journey.. Believe in yourself, seek help and know you are not alone! I raised a glass to my lips, containing mimosa on Christmas morning and I am happy and proud to say that is the last glass containing alcohol that I have ingested… I pray every day, that the lord will continue to give me the strength to fight the worldly battles I face and stay by my side encouraging me to be strong. He is the only one that never leaves my side. If I need him, I close my eyes in prayer and I am there with him.
I had been building anxiety recently over a concert I was going to with a friend. It was a bar venue, and I was worried about wanting to drink out of habit. My concert-companion is an alcoholic and I was afraid I would follow her lead and drink. I just simply reprogrammed my thought process for the evening. I made a vow to myself no matter what, there would not be a true, valid reason I would need to tip back a cocktail to enjoy this musical performance. Free will, right!! Well it worked I had one energy drink, then sipped lemon water the rest of the night. Hence the “Sober-selfie pic” that was actually taken after I drove myself home at 3am. Sounds dorky, but I am proud of that pic. In any other circumstance it would have been some drunk, crazy snap chat story sent to people that don’t even matter in my real world. So there ya have it, sober and proud!!!
The lord has blessed me in so many ways these past few months, I just can’t understand the unconditional love he has for me.. His timing is impeccable in everything he has provided for me, I am so grateful I cannot contain my happiness… I hope someone reading this will reach out and seek help where they feel comfortable, a friend a co-worker? Know that I will be praying for the eyes that make it to the last sentence, eager to find hope… YES you!!! I will be praying for you. God bless stay strong, you are a beautiful person know you are LOVED!!!!
**Please always take the necessary means to keep on track down the road of healing and recovery, if that means a prescription, do as your Doctor advises as long as it feels right in your gut** You can and WILL get better!! I have not suffered from any depressive bough’s for over 7 months.. Mind over all Matters !!!! Hugs! Peace and Love ~