Sober-Selfie….conquering depression

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It occurred to me last year that depression is certainly in all aspects, a REAL disease.  I cannot however lie and say it is only manageable; it is curable to be more accurate! I am proof, that you have the power over your dark adversaries at all times it is there within you. Sometimes it just takes you to crash really hard, before you tap into it.  So many times I found myself on my knees ready to pull the trigger via the cork on that bottle of red wine, the cap on a 1/5 of Tito’s, or flick the cap off an ice cold Leinenkugel’s….   Life has so many constraints that try and hold us back, always know you are in control and it is as easy, as believing in yourself, know that you always are in control!

It is never beneficial to anyone to think you are powerless. You are not, own it and you will become it, rise above it and you will extinguish with great defeat the thing that chains you, holds you back.  You got this!!! Mine for a short spell was alcohol it only induced my depressive state and drug me to a very dark, desolate place.  So many times I told myself not today, don’t stop at the corner store and throw down that $20 dollar bill not today!!!  Yet I found myself every day carrying in that brown paper bag to the kitchen table. It was what ever flavor I was feeling at that given moment.  I would justify that I was stressed out and had had a bad day at the office so it was okay I needed it to relax.. Poof!  Just like that I had rationalized a very disruptive crutch to my reality.  It had become so much easier to come home and drink to try and forget then to cope with the stress and all the upheaval in my life.

What I never took into consideration was the ideal or rather the fact that alcohol is a depressant in itself.  It was only enabling me to spiral further into my depression, that cold lonely as hell edge of insanity where your mind can’t seem to shut down. It just filters out all the good, positive thoughts and leaves you among the negative, why me, feeling sorry for yourself, regretting every breath you have ever taken mindset! (Phew that was a mouthful)

I know some of you have been there, trust me I am not the only one.  It is funny how society tries to imprint on us that mental illness is deprived of many and it is not the norm, those of us affected are taught to be ashamed that we are different from the populist around us.  This is NOT true!  It is only that society has dimmed the facts surrounding the profound inaccuracies in diagnosing depression and other neurological disorders.  The mind is a very powerful realm one in which we can easily discard as being the positive thinking tool that it is.  When we are off balance chemically we have to act to restore balance.  For me, it was to medicate with alcohol, huge self mis- diagnoses.  Please do not ever forego an evaluation with a medical professional and or a counselor that can help put a name to (Identify) with certainty what is going on inside you.  There is help and the first step is to ask for it. I am just an ordinary single mom that was struggling through a bitter divorce and gut wrenching custody battle.  Whom made a terrible choice to run from life and escape to a life of alcohol induced temporary fixes,  it never worked! It was all delusional thinking.  I would scale from a 10 to a negative 3 on the” I feel good scale” in a matter of a few hours.  The first drink was a relaxing,  I made it through the day, kinda high. As the night would go on, I would get deeper into the baggage of regrets and feel the need for more numbing with this liquid mind altering taboo habit, after all if I was stumbling from the garden to the house in a drunken stupor, what is the worst that could happen?  Fall on the front stoop up to the house, trip and drop my wine glass? Piss my neighbors off with my loud stereo? So long as I could get in the door and find the couch I was good and it would be okay.

Can you see the HUGE fault in that way of thinking??  Basically I was rationalizing the daily drinking as “I am not harming anyone, so it is okay” Hell no I was harming someone, I was inflicting pain upon myself, deeply every day, every time I raised that glass to my lips.  I was abusing myself!!!!  Maybe it is easier for some than to others to connect to that analogy.. Drinking is self-harm, you are a better person and deserve so much more from your journey.. Believe in yourself, seek help and know you are not alone!  I raised a glass to my lips, containing mimosa on Christmas morning  and I am happy and proud to say that is the last glass containing alcohol that  I have ingested…    I pray every day, that the lord will continue to give me the strength to fight the worldly battles I face and stay by my side encouraging me to be strong.  He is the only one that never leaves my side. If I need him, I close my eyes in prayer and I am there with him.

I had been building anxiety recently over a concert I was going to with a friend.  It was a bar venue, and I was worried about wanting to drink out of habit. My concert-companion is an alcoholic and I was afraid I would follow her lead and drink. I just simply reprogrammed my thought process for the evening.  I made a vow to myself no matter what, there would not be a true, valid reason I would need to tip back a cocktail to enjoy this musical performance. Free will, right!! Well it worked I had one energy drink, then sipped lemon water the rest of the night.  Hence the “Sober-selfie pic” that was actually taken after I drove myself home at 3am.  Sounds dorky, but I am proud of that pic.  In any other circumstance it would have been some drunk, crazy snap chat story sent to people that don’t even matter in my real world. So there ya have it, sober and proud!!!

The lord has blessed me in so many ways these past few months, I just can’t understand the unconditional love he has for me.. His timing is impeccable in everything he has provided for me, I am so grateful I cannot contain my happiness…  I hope someone reading this will reach out and seek help where they feel comfortable, a friend a co-worker?  Know that I will be praying for the eyes that make it to the last sentence, eager to find hope… YES you!!!  I will be praying for you.  God bless stay strong, you are a beautiful person know you are LOVED!!!!

**Please always take the necessary means to keep on track down the road of healing and recovery, if that means a prescription, do as your Doctor advises as long as it feels right in your gut** You can and WILL get better!!  I have not suffered from any depressive bough’s for over 7 months.. Mind over all Matters !!!!  Hugs!  Peace and Love ~

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Goodbye~ luv

edward and bella

My Dearest Edward,

I feel your sweet poison rushing through my tender, aging veins, every beat of mine heart reminds me your still there. Somehow though it seems to be fading, like an immunity has begun to flow through these same delicate veins, subsiding, overstepping, smothering “it” lil by lil cleansing away a separation of red and white cells.. Plasma’s begin to disburse your venomous serum. As I bleakly traverse the property  a succumbing sunrise entranced  me; I imagined a place where two were one, a realm of imagined time. Where souls, “ours” cut the ominous void in distance. Collapsing together upon the soft mossed forest floor, simply laying caressed in conversations, in perception of us only. No one else would understand, at that pause in time, I was suddenly  mystified by what is not, nor will ever be… I started to deliberately walk again, only to find I was home where I began.  Heart still beating, muddy soles, I open the door. Listlessly crossing the threshold,  a solitary tear finds its way to the brazen floor, these hazel eyes have shed your last tear! The door of reality, it closes, leaving you outside. Strangely I somehow feel fine or do I?

Eternal Luv,

Bella

A.T. ~I couldn’t allow what hurt me to influence my decisions anymore, It was too little too late. I had to do what was right now. Edward would never see me shed another tear

~ Eclipse~

Nite Notes 2016

Copyright 2016  by Belinda Mercado no reproduction without prior consent

Heart & Soul

 fender

You are composed of so much more than just those two elements

It is only there that you begin, like two roots firmly planted in the richest soils of your presence

All the beauty in you may stem from the basis of musical melodies and a harmonious song

 

Yet the person I see before me, has really just begun the journey in true growth

The complete being inside you is reachable, no matter how distant it may sometimes feel.

I foresee the choice vehicle for you as music; it is leading you there.

 

Thanks to those two beginning elements, all that follows equals your existence.

It blooms ever so colorful, like the pedals of a Grecian wind flower in autumn’s gentle breeze.

Do not fool yourself, u are composed of so much more…….

Never could I imagine you as empty, your chorus and song are much too beautiful to ever achieve emptiness that allows echoes.

Tap yourself now, to the true beauty; it’s then that the real music will flow, just as my river, free and evermore.

 

~*~BAM~*~

 2015

I do…

Nite Notes cover

Please believe me when I say ~ I do

I will always be true with only you

 

If I could honor it, Id promise my life to you

I fill inside with profound hurts every time

You’re looking so blue

Its sadness that’s looming round you

Am I the cause?

If I could find it, I would heal your heart of all its pain

Won’t you show me the way?

Shine as my beacon till I’m there with you.

Walking now

Cool evening rain washes over me

I’m in search of you

Misted Moon ~ she smiles at me

Gently wisps me into thoughts of you

So complete every time I sense you near

I’m closer now can you feel my body’s warmth?

 

Please believe me when I say ~ I do

I will always be true with only you

 

I wanna tell you it’s me babe

So true in what I feel for you

I am the tear that swells inside when you doubt me

Ill for always fight those tears

I will not cry aloud for you

If you’re looking close

Deep within mine eyes you’ll see, the pain

Draw closer now and feel the salty fears there

Glimpses of blue reflect in me because of you

With doubts harbored towards me in what I feel for you

 

Please believe me when I say ~ I do

I will always be true with only you

 

I love you with all of who I am,

Please believe in this heart of mine, can’t you see where it stands?

 

Remember it always ~ “I” Do Love You

 

*The original I do*

Nite Notes 2015

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Copyright 2016  by Belinda Mercado no reproduction without prior consent

Ladies Smile

 

rjm

The power of your smile is limitless

The power of your heart is awesome, indeed it is

You have given feelings of friendship that are true and deep

To win the feelings that produce your smile soothes the heart

The brightness of your smile is like a bright star in the midnight sky

Its brightness will always shine, even through a cloudy night

It is brighter then the brightest of lightening bugs hovering above my river

It calls out to them.

The brightness shines through to those who pay attention

Its there even when it is not evident to the eye

It is always there with you

Your smile is much more than a note

It is a complex expression such as a chord is a complex array of notes

The power of your smile is limitless

 

RJM~ 2012

*This collection I will call “Heart & Soul of many”

Written for me, not by me, Enjoy!

Milky-way Mystery

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I love the stars, I love looking up,

I love looking at the milkyway late at night

When all is calm

Just keep looking and wondering

How it happened

And why it is ours for the moment

The moments too short

The milkyway is forever

As we see it, it is our lifetime

Forever really is forever

It is beyond our scope

 

We look up at the stars and do not know how many are dead

We still see the light

It’s the light of the dead star

Or is it dead

 

See we will never know

We are not supposed to know

We should enjoy it to the fullest and not worry

The stars do not worry

 

They shine their brightest every night just for us

When they die, they die a peaceful death without telling us

Their light will shine on us for billions of years after their death

 

It shines, shines, shines

I will shine in you just like that star

Even though I cannot be seen today, you will know that I shine

Even though I am gone, it is but only for a moment

 

Because like the star you can depend on me to return

Just as the star returns every night

Look deep into your soul when in despair

I will shine through and give you happiness

You may not see me, like the clouds that hid those stars

You and I knew they were there

 

I too will be there, just look and you will see

Behind that cloud is the treasure

The treasure is not silver or gold

It is not the gemstones of the kings crown

It is not the finest paintings

It is not the finest clothes of the Queens gown

It is nothing you can see

Oh no, it is much more valuable than that

Look into my eye and only you will see

The finest of treasures the rulers of our world couldn’t ever see.

“This” can only be felt with the heart and you sweetheart are it’s key.

Milky-way ~ Mystery

~*~Belinda Ann~*~

Nite notes 2015

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Copyright 2016  by Belinda Mercado no reproduction without prior consent

Let it go~~~

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From walkin’ home and talkin’ loads
Seein’ chirps in evenin’ clothes with you
From nervous touch and gettin’ drunk
To stayin’ up and wakin’ up with you

And now we’re slippin’ at the edge
Holdin’ somethin’ we don’t need
Oh, this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

Everything’s that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

And I’ll be me

From throwin’ clothes across the floor
To teeth and clothes and slammin’ doors at you
If this is all we’re livin’ for
Why are we doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it anymore

I used to recognize myself
It’s funny how reflections change
And we’re becomin’ somethin’ else
I think it’s time to walk away

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

Everything’s that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

And I’ll be me

Tryin’ to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don’t belong
There’s no force on earth
Could make me feel right, no

Whoa

Tryin’ to push this problem up the hill
When it’s just too heavy to hold
Think now’s the time to let it slide

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

Everything’s that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze
Let the ashes fall
Forget about me

Come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

And I’ll be me

~James Bay~

Silence…

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Silence is all you’ll hear

Our afternoon chats lost in rage

Somewhere between us the laughter fades.

 

Ominous void, quickly spirals into pain

So carless are we in these silent days

Oppressive is the scene, colored in black and blue

Sadness it’s here can you feel it too?

Somewhere between us the laughter fades.

 

Reason in your voice, I cannot hear

Yet in a glimpse today, I saw, my fear

Thoughts of losing in this silent raging war

What is it were really fighting for?

Somewhere between us the laughter fades.

 

Revealed is mine emotion, but anger it still dwells

Then to my somber cheek, a tear, it fell, lost and lonely

As I am, without my inspirational friend

Take me back now, to remembrances of when

Somewhere between us the laughter fades.

 

You and I, we’ve tumbled onto some forgiveness here

Because in this silence, we will not last

The time it’s here, spread your wings in flight

High above this tangled web of confusion, we’ll soar

Somewhere between us the anger fades.

 

~*~Belinda Ann~*~

Nite Notes 2015

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Copyright 2016  by Belinda Mercado no reproduction without prior consent

 

Obscure Risk~

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I harbor no fear in me ~ of you

Stepping cautiously now unto your trails

Tainted with your sweet poisonous ways

I wanna decipher these mappings of who you truly are

Given time I’ll explore all of you

I wanna see your soul complete

Integrate our beings as one

It’s the sweetest poison you are molded from

Given time I will taste it all

 

I  know you will be worth every tear I’ll eventually cry

 

It’s an obscure risk, following the trails you’ve left behind

Still I’ll move onward shuffling my aching feet

Atop the distinctive clues

You’ve carefully left them here for me

Knowing I would not hesitate to follow

In a vision, I saw you standing there

Loathing beneath the raging storm

Thunder~ we cannot escape the distance in which we hear her

As lighting fills the night sky, she dances in quick flashes

Revealing the bleakness upon your tear stained cheek

All alone you’re shivering and cold, grieving bout’ days gone by

I’m offering to clothe you now with all the colors of me

Let me be the intense fiery blanket that warms your soul

Given time I’m gonna make you whole

Rid you of all the sad times you’ve seen

I’ll give you shelter from all this past years’ blue-blue rain

I’m gonna take care of you baby, just you wait and see

Your cryptic poisonous trails led me here

Scattered beneath the mystical star filled night

I stumble across pieces of you, broken and torn

Mecum hill it’s where I saw you~ tangled in a black abyss

Amidst the moons light I stop to stare

Gonna gather up these pieces and fit you together again

I’ll be the emotional adhesive for you ~ if you let me

Gonna rid you of all the anguish inside

I’ll make you a happy man again

I promise to fill each and every need

Absolve all your sadness till your complete as one ~ with me

It’s an obscure risk, following the trails you’ve left behind ~ I know

Yet you’re worth every tear I will eventually cry!

 

~*~ BAM~*~

Nite Notes 2015

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Copyright 2016  by Belinda Mercado no reproduction without prior consent